|hello? anyone there?
||[Sep. 14th, 2006|10:53 pm]
poetry class we had to pull words on little slips of paper out of a tin and make poetry that:|
-only used 4 words not on the papers
-you got unlimited punctuation
anyways heres' mine:
the jungle king
has a million azure clouds
he had them shoveled
into a water-proof hole
left only green salt water
sugar like water
water like love
looking like frozen emeralds
or wet green glass
slap back, the wild ego flood
sounds like art
sun like water
heal the hurt
hammer in the veins
lend them water.
express whatever had gone within
terrible dirt baby
swimming like they do.
i like it, its interesting what words i chose for what purpose.
2006-09-15 12:51 pm (UTC)
Bravo! (Now here comes the critique)
The "sugar like water" and the "wet green glass" lines make me shiver, in a kinda painful way. The first is kinda awkward, in my mind, and the second makes me do a double take, and the "wet green grass" association makes me think of walking barefoot... only on glass... so that's how it is painful.
I LOVE the "slap back, the wild ego flood" line. The combination of words is just weird enough to get my attention (starting with a snappy action, like "slap" doesn't hurt) and it doesn't taper off to boredom.
Oh, and the water theme is nice, but it seems a little... not as well played as it could have been, but my mind seems like it's a little more ordered with its poetry construction than yours seems to be. (I would have used the "water like..." and "...like water" lines at certain, set, intervals... and possibly switched between the two for emphasis of a change in tone.)
Overall, I liked it... it really is very good for poetry written under a syntax constraint. Hopefully my comments are helpful. *Bows out*
2006-09-16 01:50 pm (UTC)
Re: Bravo! (Now here comes the critique)
thank you so much! (i prolly should have written about the 40 minute time constraint too)
but now i'm thinking about revising it. thanks for the suggestions!
i really like this. disconnected, disarray. its my style.